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Stepping stones to nowhere

Hurray! I just finished an Google Adwords course on Udemy. I started on April 9th and spent an hour each day learning it. Missed a few days but for the most part I kept at it. There were 100 videos to watch and learn from – so very extensive but over the top worth while.

Now I need to put what I learned into practice – so all that mental time and energy is actually put to use. Point of fact there was so much material covered that I will definitely have to review sections of the course to actually do it.

Which is why I now like Udemy better than Lynda for learning. Lynda has great tutorials but unless you keep up your subscription you can’t review or retake a course. With Udemy on the other hand once you purchase a course (this one was only $11) you have it for life. Yippee do dah! And I don’t think anyone on Lynda could even come close to how good this course was.

Now I have to face the brutal truth that it is time to do not learn. I am so tempted to take one more course and one more course after that, that I am afraid it is becoming more of an excuse for not looking for work. Ugly, ugly truth.

Part of this ugly problem is that I put way too put energy into criticism. I let it totally control me. Or rather STOP me from moving forward.

Criticism for me is like being cased in a cement block and thrown over the bridge. Kersplash! Kerplunk! Blub, blub, blub.

As I look over my life I think I have used safety places like the Navy and the Monastery to survive this self negative oppression. And they worked for survival but not for pushing through and taking charge. A lot of time I used God and prayer as another safety shield.

I am not sure now where the prayer part works for me. I believe in God to a point but not the same way – not the total “surrender” way that I did in the monastery. Because for me some of that was simply not taking responsibility for my own life. If someone said, “No!” that was it.

Sometimes things turned around to a “Yes” but if they didn’t that was it folks. Over, done, end of the story whether or not “it was happy ever after.”

So now I am married but I can’t use this state of life to be another “cover up” for not being responsible.

And I am being a bit too harsh on myself here because I have never been a “total” wimp but on the other hand – I do need to step up to the plate and find a way to make an income. I feel too needy if I don’t.

So no answer yet. I’m going to pray some more, hope some more (haven’t given up totally on the God factor) but dang I am just going to have to do what I don’t want to do.

Oh the horror of it all.

 

 

 

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