I get caught up in the thought that I need to be doing things. Important things. Lasting things.
Right now I am dealing with the process of being unemployed. It’s a sort of heavy, unsettling thing that makes me feel that my life isn’t quite as important as it should be.
That a paycheck would set my world right.
But at the same time I don’t want to do just anything for a paycheck. I don’t want to clean houses, or take care of sick people or sweep the street.
So with that understanding I guess I don’t want a paycheck too badly.
So instead I bog down with negative thoughts about my situation.
Over the last few years I have gone from one thing to another and each time found a very, logical and reasonable reason why I should not do whatever job I was at. In some cases it was because it was too hard for me physically. In some cases too hard for me mentally.
In some cases it was about being uncomfortable, unhappy and discontented with the job.
Lately I have worked for people who have decided that they didn’t want to pay for the work done. So all the hours spent working resulted in nothing.
Each defeat or giving up a job or situation while small in itself has dropped into my pot of self-esteem where I am now at the point where I feel I cannot do anything at all.
I’m in a mindset trap of failure that seems to get worse every day. Little bit by little bit.
And I KNOW it’s all part of the defeated thinking that I have adopted.
And you know one thing that adds to all this muck?
It’s a constant deluge of promotional emails, advertising, social media, and the daily news. All of this stuff wanting me to buy something, sign up for something, or do something. Every bit of muck which might be cute or funny is often part of a hidden agenda to like a page, share a page, do something.
Just quit already!
It’s like no matter what I do it’s not enough. I should be trying harder, have more friends, have more income.
So sad I guess.
All I really want to do today is read my book. Why can’t I get paid for that?
I don’t understand.